The 5 Love Language Summary
I just finished reading “the 5 love language” by Gary Chapman. It is absolutely excellent book to understand relationship no matter you are singles, in relationships and especially married. I really like him using “Love Tank” concept. When your love tank is empty, that is the time your relationship is in danger.
From his book, I start to understand that at the most time it’s not because we don’t love each other any more, but it’s because we are speaking different love language and we express love differently.
If love is a choice, then they have the capacity to love after the “in love” obsession has died and have returned to the real world. That kind of love begins with an attitude– a way of thinking.
The following is the summary and notes I have learned from the book:
Love language #1: words of affirmation
The tongue has the power of life and death. An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love.
The object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love. It is a fact, however, that when we receive affirming words we are far more likely to be motivated to reciprocate.
Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the word from your spouse’s perspective. We must first learn what is important to our spouse.
Love is kind. If then we are to communicate love verbally, we must use kind words.
Love doesn’t keep a score of wrongs. Love doesn’t bring up past failures. None of us is perfect. Forgiveness is the way of love.
If we are to develop an intimate relationship, we need to know each other’s desires. If we wish to love each other, we need to know what the other person wants.
Love make requests, not demands. A request introduces the element of choice, because love is always a choice. That’s what makes it meaningful. We cannot get emotional love by way of demand.
Love language #2: Quality Time
A central aspect of quality time is togetherness. I do not mean proximity…Togetherness has to do with focused attention. What happens on the emotional level is what matters. Our spending time together in a common pursuit communicates that we care about each other, that we enjoy being with each other, that we like to do things together.
Words of affirmation focus on what you are saying, whereas quality conversation focuses on what we are hearing.
Many of us…are trained to analyze problems and create solutions. We forget that marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed or a problem to solve.
We must be willing to give advice but only when it is requested and never in a condescending manner.
- Maintain eye contact when your spouse is talking
- Don’t listen to your spouse and do something else at the same time.
- Listen for feelings
- Observe body language
- Refuse to interrupt. My goal is to discover your thoughts and feelings. My objective is not to defend myself or to set you straight. It is to understand you.
If you need to learn the language of quality conversation, begin by noting the emotions you feel away from home.
One way to learn new patterns is to establish a daily sharing time in which each of you will talk about three things that happened to you that day and how you feel about them.
One of the by-products of quality activities is that they provide a memory bank from which to draw in the years ahead.
The essential ingredients in a quality activities are 1. At least one of you wants to do it 2. The other is willing to do it. 3. Both of you know why you are doing it — to express love by being together.
Because it is just an essential to our relationship as meals are to our health. Is It difficult? Does it take careful planning? Yes. Does it mean we have to give up some individual activities? Perhaps. Does it mean we do some things we don’t particularly enjoy? Certainly. Is it worth it? Without a doubt. What’s in it for me? The pleasure of living with a spouse who feels loved and knowing that I have learned to speak his or her love language fluently.
Love language #3: receiving gifts
If your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts, you can become a proficient gift giver. In fact, it is one of the easiest love language to learn.
Physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give if your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts
At the heart of love is the spirit of giving!
Love Language #4: Act of Service
Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love.
What we do for each other before marriage is no indication of what we will do after marriage.
Love is a choice and cannot be coerced.
People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need.
Due to the sociological changes of the past thirty years, there is no longer a common stereotype of the male and female role in American society.
Love language #5: physical Touch
Physical touch can make or break a relationship. It can communicate hate or love.
If your spouse’s primary love language is physical touch, nothing is more important than holding her as she cries.
Most sexual problems in marriage have little to do with physical technique but everything to do with meeting emotional needs.
- What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts you most deeply? The opposite of what hurts you most is probably your love language.
- What have you most often requested of your spouse? The thing you have most often requested is likely the thing that would make you feel most loved.
- In what way do you regularly express love to your spouse? Your method of expressing love may be an indication that that would also make you feel loved.
Meeting my wife’s need for love is a choice I make each day. If I know her primary love language and choose to speak it, her deepest emotional need will be met and she will feel secure in my love.
When an action doesn’t come naturally to you, it is a greater expression of love.
Love is a choice. And either partner can start the process today.
When the emotional tank is low, we have no love feelings toward our spouse but simply experience emptiness and pain.
If you claim to have feelings that you do not have, that is hypocritical…but if you express an act of love that is designed for the other person’s benefit or pleasure, it is simply a choice.
The knowledge you learned from this book, it can be used for Children as well. You need to observe your children. Watch how they express love to others. That is a clue to their love language.
This is what I learned from the book! I read a lot of books previously crossing my life, but I found out that if I didn’t write a summary, I would forget what I read and what I learned from the book over the time, so I think it’s a good habit to write summary and notes about all books you read!